10 fascinating flirting facts

So you’ve mastered the art of eye contact and can beckon a romantic prospect with just a few coy glances… but do you really know all there is to know about the fine art of flirting? Just to make sure you’re up to speed, we culled some very surprising information that you can use to your advantage. Read on for some juicy tidbits that may up your meet-cute quotient in no time.

1. Flirting is good for you. Studies show that people who flirt have higher white blood-cell counts, which boost both immunity and health.

2. Think batting your eyelashes is enough? Wrong! All told, scientists say there are 52 “flirting signals” used by humans. Of these, the hair-flip technique is the most common.

3. In some places, flirting is illegal. In Little Rock, AR, an antiquated law is still on the books warning that engaging in playful banter may result in a 30-day jail term. In New York City, another outdated law mandates that men may be fined $25 for gazing lasciviously at a female; a second conviction stipulates the offender wear a pair of blinders whenever he goes out for a walk.

4. Why wait for Friday? Lots of people get their flirt on during their morning commute. A full 62 percent of drivers have flirted with someone in a different vehicle while on the go, and 31 percent of those flirtations, it turns out, resulted in a date.

5. Flirting need not occur face to face. According to the Pew Research Center, 40 percent of people who look for love online say they can easily flirt with someone via email or IM.

6. In the Victorian era, fans were the ultimate playful props that could communicate all sorts of messages. A fan placed near the heart meant “You have won my love.” A half-opened fan pressed to the lips was an invitation, saying, “You may kiss me.” Hiding the eyes behind an open fan meant “I love you,” while opening and closing the fan several times was a chastisement, implying, “You are cruel.” Given how much a fan could come in handy, it’s a shame they ever invented air conditioning.

7. These days, cell phones do the flirting for you. In one survey, half of all mobile phone users have texted flirty messages to keep things interesting while separated from their amour.

8. Watch out; you can overdo it. According to the Social Issues Research Centre, the most common mistake people make when flirting is maintaining too much eye contact.

9. Sometimes, flirty gestures aren’t what they seem to be. Research has shown that men tend to routinely mistake friendly behavior for flirting.

10. Flirting is universal. A woman living in New York City and one in rural Cambodia may not have much in common, but when it comes to attracting a little attention, they both employ the very same move: smiling, arching their eyebrows, then averting their gaze and giggling. Animals flirt, too: birds, reptiles, and even fish have their own way of making romantic advances. The moral of the story: If the simple sea bass can act cute in order to further a romantic agenda, you can, too — so give it a go!

Samsung Wave Codes

*#1234# - Shows Firmware version.
*#197328640# - Internal Settings
*2767*3855# - Hard Reset
*#0228# - Battery Info
*#0*# - LCD test
*#1111# S/W Version
*#1234# Firmware Version
*#2222# H/W Version

*2767*3855#

Think before you give this code. This code is used for factory format. It'll remove all files and settings including the internal memory storage. It'll also reinstall the phone firmware.

PS: Once you give this code, there is no way to cancel the operation unless you remove the battery from the phone. So think twice before giving this code.

*#197328640#

This code can be used to enter into Service mode. You can run various tests and change settings in the service mode.

For increasing music volume:

Type *#197328640#
Click the button 5 ( Audio )
Click the button 2 ( AP, Volume Config)
Click on the button 2 (EAR Config )
Click the button 1 (volume PM) - to increase the volume of music files or the 5 key (FM Radio volume ) - Radio
We can see the 7 lines (0-6 ) , we can increase the value of
all lines (these are the lines that define the level at each
support ), you can change any of them or increase only
last value of 58dB to 75dB and 100db max .

To enter double digit, for 0 line press 0 on the number pad it will say write on the top right hand corner on the screen. just tap on the bar 3 to 4 times quickly below the number key pad and then another keypad should open. enter desired number and press ok twice...done.
------------------------------------

*#0228#

This code can be used to get detailed information about phone battery.

-------------------------------------

*#7465625#

This code can be used to check the status of Sim Lock and Network Lock.

--------------------------------------

Codes to get Firmware version information:

*#4986*2650468# - SW Version, HW Version, MP, RF Cal Date, CSC Version, CSC Model Spec, FFS Version, RC2 Version

*#1234# - SW Version and CSC Version

*#1111# - FTA SW Version

*#2222# - FTA HW Version

Wi-Fi and Bluetooth Test Codes:

*#526# - Wi-Fi Manual MFG Test Mode

*#232337# - BT RF Test Mode

Codes to launch various Factory Tests:

*#0*# - LCD test

*#0673# OR *#0289# - Melody test

*#0842# - Vibration test

*#2663# OR *#2664# - TM Command

Official Statement of the President on the hostage-taking incident at the Quirino Grandstand

With the rest of the Filipino people, I wish to offer our deepest condolences to the families of the victims whose lives were lost in the hostage situation at the Quirino Grandstand. The Secretary of Foreign Affairs has conveyed our deep feelings of sorrow to the Foreign Minister of the People’s Republic of China and the people of Hong Kong through Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang. I have tasked Secretaries Soliman and Lim to provide everything necessary for the recovery and return home of the survivors. I have directed the fullest cooperation with the Hong Kong authorities on the part of our officials.

From the onset of this incident, the hostage-taker seemed to not be belligerent, as shown by the release of hostages. These were encouraging signs.

We were going to wait him out. The idea was to let the ground commanders who are the experts in this field handle the operation with minimal interference from people who are less expert.

But the situation deteriorated rapidly when, during the course of the negotiations, he was given the letter of the Ombudsman in which she promised to personally review his case. As he was reading the contents of the letter, while talking to an unknown individual on the phone, he became increasingly agitated.

The presence of his brother also added to the tension.

At this point, he threatened to kill a hostage. The police decided to remove the brother from the scene. As the negotiators were departing, the negotiators were shot at.

Media coverage of his brother being taken into custody further agitated the hostage-taker.

Shots were fired. They seemed to be warning shots, as there was no audible indication of tumult or chaos to show that the hostages were in immediate danger.

Nonetheless, the negotiators tried to reestablish contact with the hostage-taker but they were unsuccessful as the cellphone of the hostage-taker was continuously busy. He also refused to answer the throw-phone provided for him by the authorities.

The escape of the driver, combined with his reports that the hostages were being harmed, forced the assault to happen. When the vehicle began to move, and with reports that he had hand grenades, a decision was made to immobilize the vehicle as it would have made the situation even more dangerous.

As we know, the incident tragically ended in the deaths of eight innocent civilians.

We expect more of the facts to come to light and I have ordered Interior and Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo and Justice Secretary Leila de Lima to thoroughly lead this review.

Full statement can be found at http://www.gov.ph

[via www.president.gov.ph]

Who is Clever???

One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night

And Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.

In the morning they thought of a plan.

They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt.

They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car!

all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days.

They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean.

The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test,

All four were required to sit in seperate classrooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ........( 2 MARKS )

Q.2. Which tyre burst ?........... ....( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
B) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right

Moderno ngunit nakakatuwang Kasabihan (Pinagsama-sama)

"Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot"

"Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard"

"Aanhin mo ang Gwapo kung mas Malandi pa sayo"

"Ako ang nagsaing… iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh"

"An apple a day is too expensive"

"An apple a day makes seven apples a week"

"Behind the clouds are the other clouds"

"Do unto others … then run!!! "

"hindi bale ng tamad, hindi naman pagod. "

"its better to CHEAT,than to REPEAT"

"natuto kang lumandi...magtiis ka sa hapdi"

"it is better to take the leak, rather than to be weak"

"aanhin pa ang DAMO kung BATO na ang uso"

"aanhin mo pa ang kabayo kung tao na kumakain ng damo "

"AANHIN PA ANG DAMO KUNG MATINIK AY MALALIM!! "

"aanhin pa ang damo, kung garden mo naman ay sementado"

"Aanhin pa ang damo eh nagshashabu na ang kabayo"

"matalino man ang matsing... mukhang unggoy parin"

"Ang taong nagigipit...sa five six lumalapit "

"Saging lang ang may puso"

"KUNG KAYA NG IBA, PAGAWA MO SA KANILA! "

"matalino man ang bading, napeperahan din! "

"ang di marunOng lumingOn sa pinanggalingan..paniguradO, may stiff neck"

"ang di marunOng magmahal sa sariling wika..manhid"

"batO-batO sa langit..tamaan..sapul! "

" aanhin mo pa ang malaking bahay kung katulong k naman"

"ang batang tahimik .... natatae"

"Kapag may sinuksok. . .Magsupot"

"Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa bagong gising, 'wag lang sa lasing na bagong gising"

"Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao"

"Magbiro ka na sa lasing..wag lang sa walang makain"

"Ang batang magalang..napagalitan ng magulang "

"Anong silbi ng libro kung skolar ang katabi mo"

"kung maiksi ang kumot...sa baby ipagamit. "

"papunta ka pa lang...sige, ingat! "

"ang naglalakad ng matulin...tumatakas. "

"laging nasa huli ang pinakamatangkad. "

"kapag may usok...kawawa ang may hika. "

"pag may tyaga...good luck! "

"Ang taong lumalakad ng matulin kubeta ang tutunguihin"

"Kapag ang hipon namula tiyak luto"

"Kapag binato ka ng bato batuhin mo ng tinapay pero ilagay mo muna sa garapon"

"D0nt judge me im n0t a b0ok "

"aanhin pa ang damo, kabayo ba ako? "

"Lahat ng problema may solusyon. Kapag walang solusyon, huwag mo nang problemahin"

"Hindi lahat ng gwapo may GF. Ang iba sa kanila, may BF"

"Don't face your problem if your problem is your face"

"Practice makes perfect but nobody's perfect so don't practice"

"Ang pag-aaral at pagttrabaho ay parang biyahe, masarap tulugan"

"The Early Bird, Sleeps Early "

"aanhin pa ang library's fee kung may google naman na libre"

"ang taong mahilig magbasa ng dyaryo, laging nasa banyo"

"aanhin pa ang damo, naka feeds kabayo ko"

"pag binato ka ng bato, batohin mo ng tinapay kasaman ang oven na pinaglutoan nito,"

"pag binato ka ng bato, Bukol sigurado"

"aanhin pa ang pag e-ensayo, kung kay jawo ika'y baldado."

"paano na ang mga Pilipino pag si Pacquiao naging pangulo."

"ang lumakad ng matulin...walang pamasahe! "

"honesty is the best policy, but cheating is the best strategy"

"THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE PENCIL "

"Aanhin ko pa ang name, Kung laging "cute" ang tawag sa akin"

"birds of the same feather are the same bird"

"WALANG TAWIRAN, NAKAKAMATAY"

"ang lalaking GIPIT, sa bading KUMAKAPIT"

"dOn't make the same mistakEs twice .."
marami pang kasalanan dyan ..
try mo naman yung iba ..

"ako ay payat ngunit naakakaapat"

"mahina pa ako sa ambon"

"di bale ng maiingit,wag lang sa pangit "

"huli man at magaling, huli pa rin... "

"Huli man at magaling, may O.T. naman"

"ako ang nagsaing, nasunog tuloy... "

"Mabuti pang maging tamad kaysa mamakla. "

"Ang Importante ay Mahalaga. "

"Mabuti pa ang maging lasing kaysa maging panget. isang tulog lang wala na pagiging lasing mo. eh ang panget"

"Marriage is the Number One Cause for Divorce"

"ang batang masipag, paglaki pagod"

"The hardest thing to do is to do nothing at all. "

"gaano man kalalim ang bangin.... gadibdib lang ng bibe"

"ang tubig na tahimik, malalim. ang tubig na maingay... may naghuhugas ng pwet....."

"birds with the same feather,makes a good feather duster."

"dont judge a book,if you are not a judge"

"wag mong pilitin, baka pumayag "

"Ang ayoko sa lahat ay ang hindi ko gusto"

PACQUIAO JOKES

Genie: Bibigyan kita ng isang kahilingan.
Aling Dionisia: Talaga?...gusto ko gumanda!
Genie: Buksan mo ang bote.
Aling Dionisia: At gaganda na ako?
Genie: Hindi. Babalik na lang ako.
---------------------------------------

Pacman: Sabi ng titser ko, bakit daw ang eggplant walang egg?
Aling Dionisia: Sabihon mo sa titser mo, na pag me egg yun, turta na yan, TURTA!
---------------------------------------------

Reporter: Noong nanalo ka Manny, anong pasalubong mo kay Jinkee?
Manny: Ibon syempre. Mahilig sya dun e.
Reporter: Ibon? Anong klaseng ibon?
Manny: Yung mga lipstek, pangmik up ba? Basta mga Ibon products! Yo know…
-------------------------------------------------

Dionesia: Doc gusto ko magpalagay ng breast.
Doctor (gulat) magpapasexsi ka na?
Dionesia: Breast sa ngipen ba. Paraumayos yun ngepen ko! Deba uso yon?
--------------------------------------

Pacquiao: Wala, talo ka na kahit anung gawin mo..
Hatton: Pagandahan na lang tayo ng nanay!
Pacquiao: Ah! Wala namang ganyanan. I mean you know…
---------------------------------

Aling Dionisia: Inday, akina nga yung seeds ko.
Inday: Bakit po magtatanim po ba kayo?
Aling Dionisia: Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo? Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko yung seeds.

-------------------------------

Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tayu, anu magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin … “MANKY”......

--------------------------

Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko naman pag nagka-anak kayo uli ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat kasali din pangalan ko.
Manny: Oo naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.
Aling Dionisia: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
Manny: Talaga 'nay? Anu?
Aling Dionisia: DIOMANJI (dionisia-manny- jinky)

-------------------------------------

Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets
Jinky : Lambing mo talaga. mwah !! Nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. di ako makakita… ang dilim!!
------------------------------------

Si Manny Pacquiao tumakbo sa pagka-Congressman sa GenSan...
Reporter: Manny, anong masasabi mo sa peace and order sa inyong lugar sa Gen San?
Manny: Ah, yun ba? uhmm...eh... ang masasabi ku lang diyan ay ....
Reporter: Ano..?
Manny: Ahh, kwan, ... maraming Fish sa Gen San pero wala masyado umo-Order!
----------------------------------

Freddie and Manny heart to heart talk
Manny: Pare, ba't naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang na pupusuan?
Freddie: Meron. .. Manhid ka lang!

-----------------------------------------

Noodle!! Noodle!! Noodle!!
Manny Pacquiao sa Deal or No Deal

-----------------------------------------

Las Vegas
Waiter: May i take your order, Madam?
Aling Dionisia: Soup
Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish or soup of the day?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks!

Sa isang Birthday Party
Aling Dionisia: Blue!!! ?Blue the Kick!!!!

------------------------------------
You is!' 'you is! you is!', sigaw ni Aling Dionisia pagdating sa Amerika …
Andito na ako ?sa ‘you is!’

---------------------------------

Chavit: Manny, paki - acknowledge naman si 1st Gentleman, late dumating … ayun kadadaan lang sa tabi ng ringside.
Manny: I would like to acknowledge the ARRIVAL OF THE LATE 1st GENTLEMAN WHO JUST PASSED AWAY!!

GPRS Settings for All Networks

For Globe Subscribers:

For a complete listing of compatible MMS & GPRS phone handsets — send NOKIA, ERICSSON or SAMSUNG (your handset model) to 2365.
To get your phone’s settings, text GO (handset model) to 2951. Example, GO N3650.

Note: For Nokia 6220, 6600, and 6820, text GO < handset model >,1234 and send to 2951. Make sure to type in the two commas before the 1234 PIN. Regular text messaging charges will apply.
Enter 1234 when asked for PIN to save settings.
Send an MMS message for only Php 5.00 to activate the service.

Note: For prepaid subscribers, please make sure you have credits first before trying to access GPRS/MMS. You won’t be able to use the service if you have zero balance.


For Smart Subscribers:

OTA (over-the air) configuration

a) To activate GPRS *and* MMS
- SET MMS send to 211
- wait for the configuration to be downloaded to your phone (up to 24 hours)
- once downloaded, you will have SmartMMS data account, and SmartMMS WAP profile, and your MMS is configured already to use SmartMMS WAP profile
- you will also receive a confirmation message that your GPRS and MMS have been activated
b) To configure internet access (full access)
- SET INTERNET (handset model) send to 211
- wait for the configuration to be download to your phone, in minutes
- once downloaded, you will have SmartPC data account, and SmartPC WAP Profile
- edit this account to include DNS settings. DNS IP addresses are -202.057.096.003, 202. 057.096.004. you only need one.
c) To configure WAP via GPRS
- SET GPRS T68 send to 211
- wait for the configuration to be download to your phone, in minutes
- once downloaded, you will have SmartGPRS data account, and SmartGPRS WAP Profile. SET THIS AS YOUR DEFAULT PROFILE
d) To configure WAP via CSD (Optional - kasi MAY BAYAD ITO, per minute)
- SET WAP T68 send to 211
- wait for the configuration to be download to your phone, in minutes
- once downloaded, you will have SmartWAP data account, and SmartWAP WAP Profile. SET THIS AS YOUR DEFAULT PROFILE

I suggest you clear all your existing data accounts and wap profile beforeyou do this. If you follow the instructions in this order, SmartPC will have a CID=2. Your dial-up number willbe *99***2#

or to simplify it:

Setting up of MMS and GPRS handsets:

To download SMART MMS phone settings, key in SET MMS and send to 211.
To download SMART GPRS phone settings, key in SET GPRS and send to 211.

Activating SMART MMS and GPRS:
To activate SMART GPRS, key in GPRS ON and send to 333.
To activate SMART MMS, key in MMS ON and send to 333

Upon receiving the configuration settings, select "Save All" to save the settings in the phone.

Activation of MMS and GPRS will require a confirmation message from SMART. A message will be sent to the sub once the feature has been activated.



For SUN USERS:
Sun MMS

On the home screen, press the Programs soft key, press More to move to the next page.
Press Accessories then select MMS Setup by pressing the Action button.
Provide the following data on the required field, press Ok when done.

q First field: MMS connection
q IP: 202.138.159.78
q Port: 9201
q MMSC Address: http://mmscenter.suncellular.com.ph
q Message Expiry: 1 day
q MMS Download: Auto

On the home screen, press the Programs soft key, press More to move to the next page.
Press Settings, select Data Connection.
Press the Menu soft key then select Edit Connection by pressing the Action button
Select GPRS Connection. Press Menu then select Add by pressing the Action button

Provide the following data on the required field:

q Description: Sun MMS connection
q Connects to: MMS Connection
q Access point: mms

When finished, press Done four times.

Sun GPRS

On the home screen, press the Programs soft key, press More to move to the next page.
Press Settings, select Data Connection
Press the Menu soft key then select Edit Connection by pressing the Action button.
Select GPRS Connection. Press Menu then select Add by pressing the Action button.

Provide the following data on the required field:

q Description: Sun GPRS
q Connects to: The Internet
q Access point: minternet

Press Done three times. On the Data connection, select Sun GPRS under Internet connection.
When finished, press Done.

Sun WAP GPRS

On the home screen, press the Programs soft key, press More to move to the next page.
Press Settings, select Data Connection.
Press the Menu soft key then select Edit Connection by pressing the Action button.
Select GPRS Connection. Press Menu then select Add by pressing the Action button.

Provide the following data on the required field:

q Description: Sun WAP GPRS
q Connects to: The Internet
q Access point: mms

Press Done three times. On the Data connection, select Sun WAP GPRS under WAP connection.
When finished, press Done.

Sun WAP Proxy

Crate a proxy connection

Description: Sun WAP Proxy
Connects from: The internet
Connects to: WAP network
Proxy (name/Port): 193.113.200.195
Type: WAP

To Activate GPRS:
Create a text message, type "ACTIVATE" then send to 2300




FOR nokia NSERIES users:
you can automatically set your GPRS by going to tools then settings wizard. Sa ibang N-series yata nasa labas yung "SETTINGS WIZARD". Basta pakihanap na lang yung settings wizard. ^___^ Then, automatic na yun.

Gusto mo ba kumita ng pera kahit nakaupo ka?

Hindi mahirap kumita ng pera lalo na kung madiskarte ka sa buhay. Lahat makukuha pagtyayaga at haba ng pansensya. Lalo ngayon na maraming paraan para kumita, kailangan subukan, wala naman mawawala diba?
Isa sa kinahihiligan ng mga pinoy ngayon ay "Blog". Para itong isang diary na pinababasa mo sa tao sa pamamagitan ng internet. Ito din ang isang paraan para kumita ng pera, sa pagsusulat. Madami na ang kumikita sa blog, hindi lang natin napapansin, kasi hindi lahat sa mga ganun. Sa tiyaga at pasensya, sa pagsusulat, kumikita ka na.
Pero kung wala kang hilig sa pagsusulat pero maghapon ka nakaonline, siguro panahon na para kumita ka kahit nakaupo ka sa bahay at nag-iinternet. PTC (Pay to click) ang alternatibong paraan para kumita. Simple lang ang gagawin, Magregister ka, magclick ng ads, maghintay at kumita. Isa ako sa nag-PTC ngayon, kapag wala ako ginagawa sa opis, ginagawa ko madami na din pinoy ang sinubok ito. KUmita ba sila? ang sagot, OO.
Sadyang malikot ang mga daliri ko lalo na pag may keyboard kaya ko nalaman ang PTC, at nalaman ko sobrang laki na nakukuha nilang pera sa isang buwan, tinalo mo pa ang sweldo ng boss mo sa isang buwan. Click lang kumikita ka na.
Sino tinatanong mo na sa sarili mo, "kalokohan, nakaupo lang ako, kumikita na?". Kung ganun ang pananaw mo sakin, para san pa ang impormasyon na sinulat ko, kalokohan din ba ang ginagawa ko? Gusto ko magamit natin ng husto ang kakayahan natin at gamitin ito para kumita sa malinis na paraan. Wala naman masama diba?
Gusto mo ba subukan? Madali lang, click nyo lang ang mga banner sa baba, pero ingat kayo. Madami din na PTC scam ngayon, madaming PTC sites. Kaya unting ingat at maging mapagmasid sa mga PTC sites.

Subukan mo, walang mawawala, register ka sa mga PTC site na ito

Ang Ebs (BAO)

Ebs na Multo - ang tipo ng ebs na pakiramdam mo lumabas na sa puwet mo pero pagtingin mo sa inidoro wala naman.

Ebs na malinis - ang tipo ng ebs na lumabas, nakita mo sa inidoro, pero wala sa tissue.

Basang Ebs - ang tipo ng ebs kung saan napunasan mo na ng 50 beses ang puwet mo pero pakiramdam mo meron pa rin. kaya ang ginagawa mo ay maglagay ng tissue sa pagitan ng puwet mo para di matagusan ang pantalon mo.

Ebs the second time around - tapos ka nang umebs, nasuot mo na ang panty o brief mo tapos mararamdaman mong there's more to come....

Ebs na pamputok ng litid - ebs na kulang na lang ay mapatid ang litid mo sa kakairi.

Ebs na ala Sharon Cuneta - sa dami ng ebs mo, mangangayayat kang talaga.

Ebs ala Antonio Sabato - ebs na sobrang laki at haba na nakatatakot na i-flush dahil baka maputol.

Ebs na maingay - ang ebs na napakaingay ng pagbulusok sa inidoro na lahat ng nakakarinig ay natatawa.

Ebs na ala Mais - lam mo na to eh. don't tell me di ka pa umebs ng ganito.

Mahanging Ebs - ang tipo kung saan gusto mo umebs pero puro utot lang ang lumalabas.

Basa ang pisngi mo ebs - ang tipo ng ebs na sa sobrang bilis lumabas eh tumalsik ang tubig sa pisngi ng puwet mo.

Aristokratang ebs - taong feeling niya ay walang amoy ang ebs niya.

Ebs na ayaw mawala - ang ebs na nakakailang flush ka na pero meron at meron pa rin maliit na bilog na ebs na lumulutang.

Wrong timing ebs - tipo ng ebs na di na panira ng timing. halimbawa, nasa party ka, o may outing, o kaya ay presentation o exam tapos bigla ka na lang matatae. actually, uutot ka pero sumasama na siya. kaya kung maglakad ka para kang cute.

Won't Let Go Ebs - ang ebs na matindi ang kapit at ayaw malaglag kahit umiri ka na nang umiri at igalaw-galaw mo pa ang puwet mo.

Taguang Pong ebs - ebs na lalabas, papasok, lalabas, papasok uli, lalabas....

Ebs ng Kuneho - ebs na maliliit na bilog na walang tigil sa kakalabas.

Ebs na Ectopic - ebs na ang hirap ilabas, feeling mo pahalang siya kung lumabas. Titigil ka na lang sa kakaebs kasi bored ka na at ang tagal mo nang nakaupo sa inidoro.

JOKE JOKE JOKE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A nerd ask his hot n' sexy clssmate 2 hav sex w/ him..
NERD: sex tayo! bbyaran kta 1 thou, bblisan ko,
ttpon ko ung 1 thou sa sahig.
2wad k hbang pnupulot mo,
pgtayo mo tpos nko i-sex k,
SEXY: twgan ko muna bf ko kung pyag cya.
tnwagan nya..
BF: cge pyag aq, bilisan mo lng pg2wad pra wlang
mngyari.
aftr 10mins bf calls..
BF: nkuha mo na pera?
SEXY: aahhh..Ndi pa e! ah! ah!
BF; e bkt?
SEXY: tig pipis0 e!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Anak: ma! may wyt hairs na u pla?
Mama: oo anak & ur d reason.
every stupdty ng anak puputi ang evry
hair ng ina.
Anak: ah! kya pla puti lhat ng buhok ni lola.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Lola: alam mo honey kpag ktabi
kta at ng aalmusal tau, ng-iinit prin ako

LOLO: paanong d ka mg iiinit
eh nkalaylay yang DEDE mo s kape!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

nangumpsal c kulas sa mga kasalanan na
nagawa nya
PARI: anak, hnd ka patatawarin.
KULAS: ha! bakit fader?
PARI: kc my kasalanan kp n hnd mo pa
binabanggit
KULAS: ano po yun fader?
PARI: kw ba kumuha ng perang donasyon sa
altar?
KULAS: ano po yon fader?
PARI: kw ba kumuha ng perang donasyon sa
altar?!
KULAS: d ko tlaga mrinig fader, gus2 mo palit
taU pwes2
(ngpalit cla pwes2)
PARI: cge mg tanong ka na
KULAS: kw b nkabuntis ky ana na labandera?
PARI: ai 22o nga, hndi marinig d2!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

ANAK: Tay wla nnamn tyong ulam
AMA: Mahirap ngayon ang buhay anak,
tiis muna tayo, isipin mo na lng ung ulam
na sasabihin ko sa bwat subo mo
ANAK: Cge tay!
AMA: Nilagang baka!
ANAK: Hmmm...sarap
AMA: Adobo baboy!
ANAK: Hmmm...sarap
AMA: Kalderetang kambing!
ANAK: Huhuhuhuhu
AMA: Bkit ka niyak!
ANAK: Ang anghang tay!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

c Juan gus2ng mgsuicide...
pgdatng nya sa edge ng bldg..
Juan: "ang taas! (umisip ng matndi)
Lord, gve me a sign."
pg-open nya ng eyes, kta nya bilbord
"NIKE: JUST DO IT"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

GRADUATION DAY SPEECH: 2nyt i am graduation,
i invitation u ol 2 eat our hauz coz i know sumdy dt i will
eat ur hawz too! I will die 5 chickens,3 grils & 2 boys
2 eat u ol & i will ask my father 2 cook my mother.
Thank you..bt i'm sori 2 inform u dat my rice is corn.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

sa disco
LALAKE:miss you wanna dance?
BABAE:sure why not?
pagalis ng babae sa kanyang upuan......
LALAKE:hay salamat nakaupo rin ako

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

GF:san tayo?
BF:sa dark place
GF:ha?
BF:trust me
PAGDATING DOON......
GF:bakit ka naghuhubad?
BF:wag kang maingay
GF:maghuhubad din ba ako?
BF:bakit tatae ka rin ba?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Juan: Maam ano po ba ang english ng utot?
Teacher: English ng utot? e di " fart"
Juan: Maam mali po kayo
Teacher: Bakit ako mali?
Juan: Narinig ko po kasi yung kantang "Dust in the Wind"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

May isang bata ba na nanakbo pauwi ng Bahay galing sa eskwelahan?

Bata: Nay, Sabi ng guro ko magaling na raw ako at magalang na raw.Yun ang lecture namin kanina.....

Nanay: Tlaga anak, magalang ka na?

Bata: Syempre naman, Tanga ka ba?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NOON:

Anak : Tay, pag uutot ka magsabi ka muna para makalabas kami ng kuwarto.

NGAYON:

Anak: Tay, pag uutot ka, lakasan mo. Irecord natin para gawing" RINGTONE"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


FVR: ERAP, may gift ako for you. Galing sa India and it's a 10 feet snake.

ERAP: Ows, niloloko mo naman ako eh! 10 feet? Hoy, di ako ganoon katanga!! wla kayang feet ang snake.. bobo!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

GF: hon, naiihi ako
BF: ok.. dyan ka na lang sa damuhan...(habang umiihi kinapa kapa ni bf ang legs ni gf ng may nahawakan siyang mahaba sa gitna ng legs)
BF: Pucha!!! nagpalit ka ba ng kasarian??
GF: Ulol!! nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon... dudumi na lang ako!!!..

Knock Knock (Who's There?)

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
May kumaway.
May kumaway who?

May kumaway downtown, walking fast, faces passed and I'm homebound (BUSES EN TRAIN)...

__________________________________________

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga who?

Kung Lady Gaga kaaa sa piling ng ibaaa...

__________________________________________

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Dina Bonnevie and Gary V.
Dina Bonnevie and Gary V. who?

Dina Bonnevie my lover, you Gary V. with my friends,
make it last forever, friendship never ends!

__________________________________________

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Sam Milby.
Sam Milby who?

Sam Milby call 911, shawty fire burning on the
dancefloor, whoa!

__________________________________________

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Civil War.
Civil War who?

Civil War and tunay na mahirap, Civil War ang
tunay na may malasakit...

__________________________________________

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Riverboat.
Riverboat who?

Riverboat young when I first saw you...

__________________________________________

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Fire apoy.
Fire apoy who?

Fire apoy, I think I could understand how it feels to
love a girl, I swear I'd be a better man...

__________________________________________

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Seven.
Seven who?

Seven plus seven plus seven, 2NE1!

__________________________________________
Knock knock!
Who`s there?
CASHEW NUT.
Cashew nut who?
Don`t tell me your sorry, CASHEW NUT. Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught…
__________________________________________
Knock Knock!
who’s there?
GINABING KOKEY
GINABING KOKEY who?
Just dance! GINABING KOKEY! da da doo doo mmm.
__________________________________________
Knock Knock!
who’s there?
AGATHA
AGATHA who?
AGATHA feeling! That tonight’s gonna be a good night
__________________________________________
Knock Knock!
who’s there?
COME BACK TO ME
COME BACK TO ME who?
COME BACK TO ME bok ang puso! wala ka ng magagawa kundi sundin ito.
__________________________________________
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Pikachu
Pikachu who?
Pikachu, I’mma tell you one time.
__________________________________________
knock knock!
whos there?
in a row.
in a row who??

in a row,pebrero, marso, abril, mayo..
__________________________________________
knock knock!
who's there?
TUNA
TUNA who?
♪Tuna Fireee.. Tuna limit Tuna wall..
for a chance to be with you,
__________________________________________
Knock knock

Who's There?

New Zealand,..

New Zealand who?

New Zealan ka sa mundong ito,... Laking tuwa ng magulang mo,
__________________________________________
Knock knock

Who's there?

Aswang

Aswang who?

We were aswang babe, for a moment in time...

________________________________________

Knock knock

Who's there?

Autoload

Autoload who?

Nothings gonna change my love 4 u, u AUTOLOAD by now how much i luv u..

Knock knock

Who's there?

Mama para taxi

Mama para taxi who?

Im ur biggest fan, i follow u until u love me, MAMA PARA TAXI..

____________________________________________

Knock knock

Who's there?

Isabaw mo sa kanin ang ihi ng kambing

Isabaw mo sa kanin ang ihi ng kambing who?

ISABAW MO, SA KANIN ANG IHI NG KAMBING, liwanag, liwanag sa dilim..

__________________________________________________

Knock knock

Who's there?

Coca cola

Coca cola who?

COCA COLA lang sana ang iyong mnhal, d k n muling mgiisa..

__________________________________________
Knock knock

Who's there?

Patatas

Patatas who?

IPAGPATATAS mo, ang aking kapangahasan..

____________________________________________

Knock knock

Who's there?

feu ust with iced tea

feu ust with iced tea who?

FEU UST WITH ICED TEA, coz ur d answer to my prayers.. (angels brought me here)

_______________________________________________

Knock knock

Who's there?

Kamuning

Kamuning who?

KAMUNING get me get me, baby im urs, KAMUNING get me,

Bad News

KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw...


"Hello,Master Carlos?Si Arnaldo po ito, yung katiwala nyo sa bahay_bakasyunan nyo".

"O, Mr. Arnaldo,ikaw pala. Anot napatawag ka? May problema ba?

"Um,napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay na ang alaga ninyong parrot."

"Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?

"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."

"Putris....sayang! Ang laki pa namn ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yun. Hay, buhay! Teka ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?.

"E kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne..."

"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?.
"! W-Wala po....Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."

"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"

" E, 'yung pong mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."

"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"


"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."


"Diyos ko po!!!!! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"


"' Yun pong halos tumopok sa bahay niyo...Tumumba po 'yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy..."


"Ano? Puuut....E, may kuryente namn dyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para saan 'yung kandila?"

"Para sa burol po."


" Ano? Kaninong burol?


"Sa nanay nyo po,Sir. Bigla kasi syang dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko."

Wowowee Q and A Portion (HIlarious)

Q: "Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?" A: "Umiilaw!"
Q: "Ano sa Tagalog ang teeth?" A: "Utong!"
Q: "Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao? A: "Humanitarian? "
Q: "Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga." A: "Ninja?"
Q: "Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?" A: "Sunog!"
Q: "Magbigay ng sikat na Willie." A: "Willie da pooh!"
Q: "Ang mga Hindu ay galing sa aling bansa?" A: "Hindunesia? "
Q: "Anong hayop si King Kong?" A: "Pagong!"
Q: "Magbigay ng mabahong pagkain." A: "Tae!"
Q: "Saang bansa matatagpuan ang mga Canadians?" A: "Canadia!"
Q: "Kumpletuhin - Little Red." A: "Ribbon!"
Q: "Ano ang tinatanggal sa itlog bago ito kainin?" A: "Buhok?"
Q: "Magbigay ng pagkain na dumidikit sa ngipin." A: "Tinga!"
Q: "Anong oras kadalasang pinapatay ang TV?" A: "Pag balita?"
Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa anak ng taong grasa?" A: "Baby oil?"
Q: "Saan karaniwang ginagawa ang mga sweets na ginagamit sa halu-halo?" A: "Sweetserland? "
Q: "Sinong higanteng G ang tinalo ni David?" A: "Godzilla?"
Q: "Ano ang mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol ng tao?" A: "Itlog ng tao!"
Q: "Anong S ang tawag sa duktor nag nago-opera?" A: "Sadista?"
Q: "Blank is the best policy." A: "Ice tea?"
Q: "Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?" A: "Sa likod!"
Q: "Fill in the blanks - Beauty is in the eye of the ____." A: "Tiger?"
Q: "Ano ang kinakain ng monkey-eating eagle?" A: "Saging!"
Q: "Kung ang suka ay vinegar, ano naman ang Inggles ng toyo?" A: "Baliw!"
Q: "Anong tawag mo sa kapatid ng nanay mo?" A: "Kamag-anak! "
Q: "Saan nakukuha ang sakit na AIDS?" A: "Sa motel?"
Q: "Kung ang H2O ay water, ano naman ang CO2?" A: "Cold water!"
Q: "Sinong cartoon charcater ang sumisigaw ng yabba dabba doo?" A: "Si scooby dooby doo?"
Q: "Heto na si kaka, bubuka-bukaka. " A: "Operadang bakla?"
Q: "Ilan ang bituin sa American flag?" A: "Madami!"
Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa taong isa lang ang mata?" A: "Abnormal!"

Wedding day

(From my e-mail)
My knees were shaking as I glanced at him, "my ex-boyfriend" .. he's with someone malamang girlfriend nya.
I pretend na di ko cia nakita, but he grabbed my shoulder bag at napalingon ako.. alam ko cia ang humila ng bag ko..
"chesk" (as usual na tawag nya sa akin) at parang wala lang, I said "hi" kanina pa daw nya ako nakita hindi lang daw ako namamansin, sabi ko na lang cencia, I was busy fixing my things, sabay smile.
he asked me If I received the invitation of his wedding..saka ko lang naalala ikakasal na nga pala cia, kelan? 3 days from now..date pa yun ng anniversary namin.. the man I loved before is announcing the date of his wedding with this curly haired lady in front of me.. the man who's deeply in love with me before..*sigh* *..
it's been 2 years since we last talked, siguro masasabi kong.. I missed him, so much... hindi lang talaga maganda ang naging paghihiwalay namin, may mga bagay talaga na dapat ayusin, mga bagay na nasira sa mga hindi inaasahang pangyayari.. pero akala ko lang pala yon, akala ko lang na magiging maayos ang lahat.
as I opened the invitation,napansin ko agad ang date.. anniversary nga namin dati.. una kong naisip inaasar nya ako tamang ganti lang sa mga ginawa ko noon .. pero hindi ako nagpaasar. Eto nga at nakikipagchikahan pa ako sa harap ng kanyang fiancée. Bakit? Dahil ba wala lang sa akin? Ayos lang na makipagbolahan ako dito sa kanilang dalawa??..
O magaling lang ako magtago ng nararamdaman? Ang hirap kaya ng ginagawa ko ngayon, trying to be nice with them.
Naah!! Nagsisi na ako noon , ayoko na magsisi ulit ngayon. Gusto kong ipakita sa kanya na masaya ako para sa kanilang dalawa. oo dapat may ayusin pa akong mga bagay bagay, pero naisip ko para saan pa?
wala naman na akong babalikan, wala naman na akong pagbabawian sa kasalanang nagawa ko.. pero kung alam nya lang..sobrang nagsisi ako sa mga nangyari.. kung alam nya lang kung anong mga gusto kong sabihin ngayon..
hindi ko cia iniwan, nawala lang ako saglit para ihulma ang sarili ko sa kung sino mang gusto nyang maging ako..pero cympre hindi nya ako naintindihan. ..pero umaasa ako na kahit papano.. sana . alam nya yon..
"we have to go cheska" nasabi ng kanyang fiancée, "aasahan ka namin sa kasal"
"ah.. uhm yah.. p-pupunta ako" ngiti lang sakin si Ace
"c-congratulations. " habol ko pa
*hinga ng malalim**..
*Sa Church**
Exactly 2pm kami dumating sa church..kasama ko best friend kong si Jelai chinika na agad nya ako, ano daw ba ang nararamdaman ko na hindi ako ang bride ni Ace, sagot ko "wala lang".. She just smiled at me, thinking that "wala lang" nga talaga.. pero kung alam nya lang, I wanted to shout in front of everybody.. gusto kong ipaalam na ako ang dapat na inaabangan ng lahat ngayon..
pero hndi pa ako baliw para gawin ang mga walang kwentang bagay na yon dahil lang sa lalaking mahal ko pa rin
"ata"?
after 10mins, the ceremony started.
I noticed the motif, it was pink..my favorite color. I asked the girl beside me kung sinong nag asikaso ng lahat ng ito.. she said si Ace daw.. tango lang ako..
as I quietly sitting there.. while watching the couples, there was a girl beside them who motioned forward to pick her microphone. Sabi ko medyo malilibang na ako, gusto ko kasing nakakapanood ng mga kumakanta..
afterwards, she started to sing..
*pause**..
I know the song.. I almost cried when I hear that.. that's our theme song.. how dare him played that song na nandito ako.. hindi ko magets kung ano man ang gusto nyang palabasin? Kung nananadya ba cia? O talagang inaasar nya lang ako?..
"you may now kiss your bride"..
Di ko na napansing natapos ang kanta dahil sa mga sunod sunod na pumasok sa isip ko.
..he looked at me first before he kissed his wife..
gusto ko ciang batuhin ng sapatos ko sa mga ginagawa nya..kelangan kong makahanap ng tiyempo para maconfront cia.. para maintindihan ko ang mga nangyayari.. pinag kakaisahan ba nila ako? O feeling ko lang yun?..
tapos na ang kasal, hindi na maganda ang mood ko, bakit pa kasi ako nag-i-stay? Lalo lang akong naiinsulto sa mga nakikita ko sa paligid, mas maraming bagay lang akong nakikita na nagpapaalala noong kami pa.. I really have to go, I have no purpose of being here.. *kinakausap ko na ang sarili ko**
walang lingon lingon akong naglakad papalayo.. kelangan kong makalabas ng simbahan agad..
sige cheska, almost there..
It was two steps away from the opened door of the church when unexpectedly. .
"where are you going?"
I slowly faced him with teary eyes,
there was a long awkward pause.
"what are you doing??"
i looked straight at him.. "that was supposed to be.. my question.."
his eyes were full of questions.. we just stared at each other..
after a few seconds, I sighed more heavily.. and then..
"how dare you play our song in your wedding ceremony?, how dare you pick my
favorite color as your motif?, how dare you choose our anniversary date as your
wedding date?"
my tears falling freely.. "how dare you look at me before you
kiss your wife?"..
Ace looked straight at me,
and after a few seconds of silence..
"because that's the last and only way I could..
imagine you're my wife.."

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

(This is a very touching story, please read it slowly, I've read it more

as you want)


On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in
front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the
car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy.
I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I
went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were
steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a
civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at
the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more
likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.


Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from
behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was
the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words
suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said,
Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my
wife. But I couldn't help doing so.

I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.?
I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because
I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of
divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something
impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter
how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.

Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner.
I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we
watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing
Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what
will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently
she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't
imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the
staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something
while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled
at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live
together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to
tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt
in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let
her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic
calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly,
why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her
angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she
wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly
give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that
she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced
at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman
who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But
I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to
see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce
which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her
writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found
she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me,
but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the
month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was
simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she
didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you
still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This
question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded
and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I
have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when
we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from
the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to
end her marriage romantically.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the
result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel
uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I
carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped
behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense
of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked
over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly,
Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat
upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove
to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I
realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long
time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on
her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being
demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were
still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The
visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where
she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I
nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about
this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was
picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few
but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have
grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was
thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I
knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense
of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To
him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part
of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I
turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last
minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the
sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and
naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our
son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your
arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life
lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any
delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the
door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no
fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can
only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring
probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we
didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her
into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until
I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed
the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.


When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife
which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I
smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

ANG KANDILA

Pag dating ni Lando sa bahay, sabi ni Tekya, ang asawa niya,

"Sweetheart, delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mong sabihin kahit kanino, baka mapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo."

Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco.

Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi niya, "Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan."

"Kanino mo nalaman ito?" tanong ni Tekya.

"Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin," sagot ng taga-Meralco.

"Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?"


Sa sumunod na araw, si Lando ay dumating galit na galit sa counter ng Meralco.

"Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang misis ko?

"Konting pasensya lang. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa records namin ito, magbayad na lang kayo," sagot ng isang empleyado.

"Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?" tanong ni Lando.

"Puputulan ho kayo," sagot ng empleyado.

"Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?"

"Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila di ba?"

Imahinasyon

(Except sa E-mail ko)

LINGGO noon. Nakatakda ang araw na 'yon para sa date namin
ng girlfiend kong si Maji. Pero tumawag s'ya sa 'kin at sinabing
cancel muna ang date dahil sasamahan niya daw ang kanyang tita sa
isang importanteng lakad. Sabi ko okay lang, naintindihan ko.
Subalit dahil wala akong magawa sa bahay at talagang bored ako
noon, ako na lang ang pumunta sa mall at nanood ng sine mag-isa.
Libang na libang ako sa paggagala sa mall, di ko alam na iyon na
pala ang katapusan ng mundo.

Pagpasok ko sa entrada ng sinehan, nagulat ako sa nakita sa may
snack bar. Si Maji! At may kasama siya--hindi ang kanyang tita--
kundi isang lalaki. Nakaakbay pa ito sa kanya. Shocked ako
pero ganunpaman, gusto kong ipaalam sa kanya na nandoon ako at
nahuli ko siya. Pero di man lamang s'ya nagulat nang makita ako.
Relaxed s'ya at nakangiti pang sinabi sa 'kin: "Tapos na ang lahat
sa atin." "Ha?" Di na 'ko nakapagsalita.

Gusto kong magalit sa kanya. Gusto kong sapakin ang lalaki. Gusto
kong umiyak.

Pero kinimkim ko ang lahat ng aking naramdaman at sinabing "Wala
akong magagawa...basta kung saan ka masaya.."

Tumalikod ako agad at pumasok sa loob ng sinehan. Doon ko binuhos
ang lahat ng pinigilan kong lumabas sa aking mga mata. Komedi ang
palabas at nagtatawanan ang mga tao sa paligid ko ngunit ako nama'y
abala sa pagdadrama sa aking kinauupuan. Natapos ang pelikula na di
ko naintindihan ang istorya. Wala ako sa sarili hanggang sa pag-uwi
ko sa boarding house.

Kinabukasan, nagdesisyon akong umuwi sa probinsiya namin upang
makalimot. Mataas ang araw noon at mainit ang
biyahe, pero wala pa ring tigil ang ulan at bagyo sa aking mga
mata. Mabigat pa sa aking mga bagahe ang dinadala ko sa aking
dibdib. Kahit na wala pa kaming isang taon ni Maji, masakit pa rin
sa 'kin ang nangyari dahil mahal ko talaga s'ya. Di pa man
nakakalabas ng Maynila ang bus na aking sinasakyan, bigla kong
naisip na bumaba. Wala nang silbi pang mabuhay kaya naisip kong
magpakamatay na lang.

Inakyat ko ang isang billboard ng GMA7 kung saan nakalarawan dito
ang final 14 ng Starstruck. Dream, believe, survive. "Kagaguhan!"
sabi ko. "Tingnan ko lang kung makaka-survive pa 'ko pag tumalon
ako mula rito...

maliban na lang kung may pipigil." Pero wala ngang pumigil. Dahil
walang nagmamalasakit.

Walang nagmamahal. Tumalon ako. " Aaaahhh...blag!"

Nabagok ang aking ulo sa gulong ng trak ng MMDA na sa mga oras
na 'yon

ay nagsasagawa ng wet flag scheme. Hindi naman ako namatay.

Wala lang akong maalala pagbangon ko. "Sino ako? Anong ginagawa ko
rito?"

tanong ko sa sarili ko. Nagka-amnesia ako.

Mula noon ay nagpalaboy-laboy ako sa lansangan. Sa ilalim ng
overpass ako natutulog at doo'y madalas na ka-jamming ko
ang mga taong-grasa at mga rugby boys. Namalimos ako sa daan,
papunas-punas ng mga sapatos ng pasahero ng jeep, o kaya'y
humihingi ng 'love offering' sa mga pasahero ng bus. Umasenso naman
ako hanggang sa makapagtinda na 'ko ng fishball, squidball, at kwek-
kwek.
Kung anu-anong trabaho ang pinasukan ko para lang may maipanlaman
sa kumukulo kong tiyan. Nagbenta rin ako ng mga
pirated na CD, VCD, at DVD. Pero di pa rin sapat ang kinikita ko
sa pagbebenta ng mga produkto kaya ibenenta ko na rin pati ang
aking sariling laman.

Nagpagamit ako sa kung sinu-sinong bakla at mga matrona. Kumita
ako ng malaki. Subalit sadyang malupit sa akin ang tadhana dahil sa
isang iglap ay nawala lahat ng aking pinaghirapan.
Nadukot ang wallet ko nang makipagsiksikan ako sa libing ni FPJ.
Nalungkot akong lubha at nawalan ng pag-asang makabangon pang muli.

Nang biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko. May nag-text. Sabi sa
message, ang Oracle daw ang tanging makapagbabalik sa aking alaala.
Nag-reply ako: hu u?

Pero di na s'ya nag-text back. Di ko alam kung saan ko hahanapin
si Oracle.

Nilibot ko ang kamaynilaan. Ipina-blotter sa pulis. Ngunit kahit
anino ni Oracle

o ni Madam Auring ay di ko nakita.

Naisip kong baka wala s'ya sa siyudad kaya pumunta ako sa mga
probinsiya. Nakarating ako sa kabundukan ng Quezon Province pero
mga illegal loggers lang ang nadatnan ko. Nilisan ko ang lugar
na 'yon at sa pagbaba ko ng bundok, nasalubong ko ang
mga nagtatakbuhang... hobbits! -- sina Frodo, Samwise, Merry,
Pippin, at si... Dagul yata ang pangalan ng isa. Hinahabol daw
sila, hindi ng mga ringwraiths kundi mga.. battle droids ng
Starwars! "Huh?! Ano 'to?!! Nasa'n ba ako?!!!" Sa sobrang lito ay
nakitakbo na rin ako. Napakaraming kalaban. Libo-libong droids.
Kakampi pa yata nila ang mga robot sa I, Robot.

Mabuti na lang at dumating ang mga astig na superheroes: sina
Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Daredevil, Blade, Van Helsing,
Elektra, X-Men, Charlie's Angels, Powerpuff Girls, the Incredibles,
Voltes V, Mulawin, Capt. Barbell, Darna, Volta, Krystala,
Lastikman, Panday, Andres Bonifacio...marami pang iba.

Madaling natalo ang mga kalaban. Subalit... sugatan si Frodo. May
tama siya. At may iniabot siya sa akin --isang singsing! May elvish
inscriptions dito na sa tingin ko'y hindi kayang i-decode kahit ni
Dan Brown. Pero bago pa man malagutan ng
hininga si Frodo, nasabi niya sa akin ang kahulugan ng
nakasulat: "God will never leave you empty. He will replace
everything you lost. If He asks you to put something down, it's
because He wants you to pick up something better and best for you."
Inilagay ko ang singsing sa bulsa ng aking pantalon at nangakong
iingatan ko iyon.

Samantala, nagdiwang ang mga superheroes sa pagtatagumpay.
Gumimik sila sa Libis at nag-inuman. Sasama sana ako pero sabi ko
kailangan kong umuwi ng bahay dahil ending na ng Lovers in
Paris.

Pero naalala ko na may amnesia pala ako at di ko alam kung saan
ako nakatira kaya sumama na rin ako. Habang nagdi-disco ang Justice
League kasama ang Marvel superheroes, nagtugtugan at
nagkantahan naman ang mga anime' heroes. Panalo sa Japan!

May ledge dancing pa sina Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Black Mamba, at
Sailor Moon!

Pero di rin kami nagtagal sa lugar na 'yon. May nagyaya kasi na
pumunta sa Baywalk dahil may show daw doon ang The Bodies.

Ang saya-saya! Idagdag mo na lang si Kuya Germs, kahit wala nang
tulugan!

Subalit naudlot ang kasayahang iyon nang biglang lumindol... at
mula sa Manila Bay ay dumating ang isang dambuhalang... TSUNAMI!!!
Swooossshhh!!! Naitaboy ang mga superheroes. Hindi nakayanan ng
kanilang powers na pigilin ang dumating na sakuna. Mabilis na
bumaha ang paligid at nalunod kaming lahat. Oo, pati
sina Aquaman, Marina, at Nemo. Patay kaming lahat. Dumilim ang
kapaligiran. Katahimikan.

"Gising! Gising!" Isang tinig ng lalaki ang narinig ko. Pagdilat
ko, nakita ko ang isang lalaki. "May tiket na po ba kayo? Sa'n po
kayo bababa?"

"Huh?!" nagulat ako. Kunduktor pala iyon ng bus. Panaginip lang
pala ang lahat! Nasa bus pa pala ako at pauwi ng probinsiya. "Sa
Tarlac po," sabi ko sa kanya pero ang mga mata ko'y nakatitig sa
kanyang t-shirt na may nakasulat na "the Oracle". Parang narinig ko
pa si Morpheus na bumubulong: "Welcome to the real world..."

Buhay pa ako. May pamilya at mga kaibigang nagmamahal sa akin.
May tirahang nauuwian, may magandang hanapbuhay, at... virgin
pa 'ko!

Habang nasa biyahe, naisip ko, napakababaw na dahilan pala ang
iwan ka ng boyfriend o girlfriend mo para magpakamatay ka. I have
to stand up and move on. Lalaki ako at di dapat ako maging mahina.
Di dapat ako maging tanga para sa isang gaga at walang kwentang
babae. Naisip ko rin na mabuti na rin ang nangyari at
nakilala ko nang maaga ang tunay niyang kulay bago pa man humaba
ang relasyon namin. Hindi siya ang karapat-dapat sa akin.

Nasa gate na'ko ng aming bahay nang may tumawag sa aking pangalan.
Si Rizi, kababata ko, kapitbahay namin. Sabi niya
umalis daw ang lahat ng tao sa bahay namin at iniwan sa kanya ang
susi. Nang abutin ko ang susi sa kanya, doon ko lang s'ya nakaharap
nang malapitan at doon ko rin lang napansin na
maganda pala siya. Matapos akong magpasalamat ay sinuklian
n'ya 'ko ng isang matamis na ngiti.

(Cue: new Coca-cola theme song)

Pagpasok sa bahay, diretso agad ako sa banyo upang
makapaghilamos. Maginaw sa loob ng banyo at malamig ang tubig. Pero
may naramdaman akong mainit na bagay sa bulsa ng aking pantalon.
Dinukot ko ito at nakita ko ang isang...
singsing.

THE END

Pag-asa sa umaasa

Tama ba ang umasa sa isang bagay na walang kasiguruhan? O hahayaan na lang natin lumapit ang pagkakataon para sa atin? Umasa, asa o pag-asa, salitang mapaglaro na may konplikadong kahulugan.

Simula ng nagkaisip tayo, tinatak na sa atin ng mga magulang ang salitang pag-asa. Sa una ay hindi pa natin alam ang kahulugan, ngunit habang tayo ay tumatanda, nauunawaan natin ito at lalong lumalalim ang kahulugan nito. Habang lumalalim ang kahulugan nito, dun naman tayo nalilito sa tunay na kahulugan nito. Ang pag-asa ang isang paraan kung saan pinapahaba ang ating paglalakbay at nakikita ang kaliwanagan at kaginhawaan matapos ng paghihirap. Isa yun sa pagpipilian natin, dahil ang alam natin sa dulo ng paglalakbay, positibo ang nakikita natin, pero paano kung negatibo? Pag-asa pa bang matatawag yun? Sa kabila ang paghihirap sa paglalakbay ay pasakit pa din ang matatamasa.

Bakit may mga taong nagsasabing "umaasa sa wala!"? "Nawala na ang pag-asa ko sa hinaharap". Napanganegatibo ng paggamit o pagbibigay ng kahulugan sa salitang PAGASA. Ramdam natin kung bakit nila nasasabi yun dahil napagdaanan ng bawat isa sa atin, nakakalungkot lang isipin na nakapakitid ng kanilang pang-unawa, marahil dahil sa sobrang haba ng paghihintay o sa hirap na dinadanas nila. Sobrang hirap at sobrang saklap sa kanila.

Pag-asa at umasa.

Nasubukan mo ang magmahal ng isang tao, tama? anong salita ang gagamitin mo sa itaas? Pag-asa? Umasa? o ang dalawa?

Natuto akong magmahal isang tao na nagbigay sakin pag-asa, walang takot na hinaharap dahil inaasahan ko na may kasama ako para pagdaanan yun. Hindi ako takot, hindi ako nag-iisa, Ngunit tulad sa buhay at telenovela, hindi din kami nagtagal, Nasaktan ako ng sobra na halos pati buhay ko ay walang saysay, Umasa lang ako sa wala. Tama ba? Marahil iba iba ang opinyon natin,
Ngunit isa lang ang nais ko ipahiwatig, Gamitin natin ang utak natin, at ang freewill. Tulad ng isang libro na makapal, gusto mong basahin, gusto mo unawain, gusto mo tapusin, Pero hindi mo ito magawa dahil kulang ang oras mo sa pagbabasa, boring ang nilalaman nito o iniisip mo hindi mo matatapos dahil sa makapal ito, Kagustuhan mo man o hindi basahin ang libro, matatapos mo sa kabila ng mga hadlang at may dahilan pati matapos o hindi ang libro. Matatapos mo.

May mga tao na umaasa na magkikita sila ng kanyang nagugustuhan balang araw, kahit malayo sila sa isat-isa. Isa lang ang umaasa, hindi ang dalawa. Pano na ang mangyayari sa taong umaasa samantalang ang isa ay nabubuhay na puno ng pag-asa sa buhay. Ano kaya ang mararamdaman na taong umaasa na ang kanyang nagugustuhan ay may iba na, Aasa pa ba siya? o titigil na? Pano kung talagang gustung-gusto niya ang taong ito ngunit wala siyang magawa dahil malayo ito. Ipagpapatuloy niya ba ang kahibangang ito o ititigil na? Pag-asang magkikita ulit sila at magkakatuluyan o pag-asang sana ginawa ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko nun nandito pa siya sa tabi ko?

Hindi masama ang umasa, umasa ka nang nang umaasa hanggat may pag-asa ka, pero minsan, wag lang puro emosyon ang gagamitin mo para sa iyong pag-asa, gamitin mo din ang utak mo. Huwag kang maging tanga sa kakahintay ng iyong pag-asang walang patutunguhan, Matuto man manimbang ng pagkakataon, paghahalaga sa sarili mo at sa taong pinahahalagahan mo. Pag-asa sa hinaharap mo o pag-asa sa ikaliligaya mo.

AAsa ka pa ba sa pag-asa mo? O ang pag-asa ang aasa sa mga gagawin mo?

Ang usap-usapan sa UZZAP

Pagkatapos ng isang araw na bakasyon mula sa matinding inagurasyon para kay P-NOY
, andito nanaman ako sa kaibigan kong SAMSUNG monitor (from thailand). Bilang isang graphic artist, dapat daw malaki ang monitor ko, sa bagay tama sila, advantage yun. Pero hanggang tumatagal nakikita ko ang disadvantage. una na dito ang ang sorbang liwanag, kapag malaki ang monitor, malaki ang radiation na makukuha ng mga mata ko, eto siguro ang dahilan kung bakit nanlalabo ang mata ko. Pangalawa, ang importante para sakin, pumunta sa mga porn sites, (wag kang mag-iw, for sure pumupunta ka din dun). Hindi naman masama ang magbukas ng ganun lalo na pag inaantok ka na at ang tanging nagpapagising sayo ay ang isang memo na naghihintay sayo kapag nahuli ka, tiyak, 1week wala kang pasok. Salamat na lang at may mga alternatibo ako pamalit sa porn site.


Ang uzzap! Para sa mga taong nagtitipid magchat. Tulad ng YM (yahoo messanger), AOL (american online), MIRC at CAmfrog na kinahihiligan ng mga bored na bored sa buhay, ang uzzap ay kapareho nila, yun nga lang, walang webcam, kaya ang mga chatero at chatera, nagtyatyaga n lang sa "pasapix" o pasa picture. sa halagang piso, makikita mo ang kachat mo, yun nga lang, sariling diskarte mo kung pano mo magagawang ng paraan pano ka nila pasendan na pix nila. Yun iba naman, ginagawang business ang pagpapasa ng pix, NUDE PIX at sex vidz. Sa halagang 10 peso, mayroon ka ng vidz at pix ni mahal or mura. (kaya mo bang magpasa ng sarili mong pix at vids na kanude? lelong mong panot!)

Sa uzzap, may mga ibat ibang room na patok sa panlasa mo. Kung gusto mo makipag flirt, sa flirt room ka. Kung sawi ka sa pag-ibig at umaasa ka na magkakaroon ka ng karelasyon kahit pipi o bingi, sa pag-ibig room ka. Kung trip mo naman ang makipagchurvahan sa iba, sa churva room ka, kung naiihi ka o natatae, sa restroom ka.

Sa bawat room ang mga clan, (biruin mo, pati room ay clan). Iba na talaga ang mga adik sa chat, at isa ako sa mga adik na tinutukoy. 24hrs ako nakatitig sa cp ko, minsan sa sobrang kaadikan ko, pati pc ko nilagyan ko na ng uzzap, in case of emergency baga, pag lowbat cp ko, may back-up ako, sa pc.

Sobrang busy ako sa trabaho kaya kailangan ko minsan magrelax, one way is uzzap. Pagpasok ko, open uzzap, open the word document (pang front para hindi mahuli). Tatayo lang ako sa kinauupuan ko kapag di ko na talaga mapigilan o nagugutom na ako. pagdating ng hapon, check ng files, delete delete then punta sa recycle bin, restore ulit then balik sa uzzap. Kapag sinisipag ako, ikakalat ko ang mga cd at papel sa desk para magmukang busy, alam ko hindi lang ako gumagawa nito, kasi nakikita ko sa mga nakakasama ko, at for sure gawain mo to.

Masaya kapag nakipagchat ka sa uzzap, pero todo iyak ka pag nahuli ka ng boss mo, kaya wag kang magpapahuli. Practice makes perfect but i need cash.

Hindi naman masama ang makipagchat kung may mga bagay ka naman na natatapos, tulad kanina, pinagawa ako ng logo para sa clan namin, di naman masama kung gawan ko sila, nakagawa ako ng 2 logo withiin 30mins, kasama na ang pagcrop ko ng items para sa trabaho ko, sa pagchat at sa pag sscan ng mga documents na kailangan ng boss ko. Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang, mabilis ako gumawa lalo na pag designing kasi ayoko matambakan ng trabaho kinabukasan. Kaya hanggat maaari, kapag may "spare time" ako, ginagawa ko na in-advance ang mga nakapending, sabay makikipag-chat para hindi ako maumay sa ginagawa ko.

Nga pala, sinabi sakin ng isa sa mga kachat ko, ipost ko daw dito yun ginawa ko na logo, para makita nila, at the same time mabasa nila ang mga dating ginawa ko. Dual purpose.